I did what was forbidden and found myself alone with God

[Beaver]

My parents where righteous and they had rules to follow. Not rules that they did not follow themselves. But ones they kept and if you where to break you would be removed from their graces. I was a child that did all he could to please them, only finding myself short of doing so. Drugs where forbidden in our home and most of my friends had fell into the temptation of drugs, inspite of all the rumors of how bad they could be. Friends I had, sense early childhood, would all tell me of their adventure with what was illegal and forbidden by law and their secret I kept to myself. I would distants myself from them only to hear the constant question from my parents, “Why does [so and so] Not come around anymore?” “Why are you not close with them anymore?” And the secret that distants me from them I kept to myself.

Marijuanna was the drug of choice and almost every friend I had, had experienced it or used it daily. This drug I had heard would enhance every good feeling you had, and allow you to be better at all you did what ever that might be. They had left out the part about how it would enhance the bad feelings as well and if you had fear before, it would be twice as bad after it’s use.

I was going to run this by my mother and father at the supper table, “I heard that if you did Marijuanna and you raced cars you would be a much better driver? “I heard that it helps you relax. “I heard a lot of good things about it?” Their only response was “If you decide to do drugs you are done in this family.” “It is forbidden.” Do you understand that?”

That alone was enough to break my heart. The thought of being an out cast from my family and falling from the graces of my mother and father. A place I never wanted to be. So I shuned all my friends I had made, and some I never made, in order to do what was right and stay away from temptation, of the forbidden fruit. I allowed their secrets to remain safe within me.

God knew this was never going to work. My desire to be loved would not allow it. I decided to test the water. I had made new friends that none of the kids I knew school knew. I was going to try this Marijuanna and no one that knew my friends and family would ever know, and I would find the truth myself about it. Was it as bad as they said? Is that why it was against the law?

I had made plans to go with a friend after work and try this out. I had told my father and mother I was going to a friends house to see a fight on TV. Which we did but not until? This boy I worked with seemed to have an understanding of drugs, his attitude was rebelious and was smooth at it. I can not say he talked me into it. After work we went to his friend’s house, one he knew would have what we where looking for. I remember entering the front door and in the dining room a man and a woman fighting over who should win the election for president. These were well to do people that had been blessed with all the world had to offer and yet we entered their sons room and entered his stash that was under an old record player and we proceeded to smoke the Marijuanna he sold, as they fought loud over who should the president be. I remember them getting High sooner than me, because they said it was my first time. I smoked and smoked all the while having no feelings of change. Until, it was time for me to leave. When I stood to leave the fear and the feelings of it consumed me. We left the boys house and his parents fighting in the dining room, I am not sure they ever knew we were there. I drove to my friends house with his direction and the feelings of fear almost parilized me. What had I done? I had stepped into this on purpose. When would this feeling go away? Would it be with me forever? If so, I deserved it. I did what was forbidden. I did it because I wanted to know, I wanted understanding. What had I come to know.

I knew I had feelings of fear, I felt all alone. I had done what was the worst thing, as far as my family was concerned, and there was no one I could tell. Except God!! He knew what I had done. It was no secret to Him. Nothing was. Had I ruined my life. Or did I just become His own.

I knew the God I believed in was all good, and I went straight to Him with my problem. I was determined to live with what I had done and I let Him know, after the fact, I was sorry. It took several days for the drug to wear off, and I thought for sure it was going to be a life time. Had I ruined my life with just one action of what the world called sin.

No, I returned to normal. The fear and paranoia that overcame me went away. The secret I had kept for others I now kept for myself. I had been their and done that, and when the world speak with out understanding, I knew the truth about it.

I know enough to say, I would never encourage my children to do drugs, but if they feel it is something they must try, let us do it together at our supper table. And always remember that I will never cast you out because you try to understand, and you want to be loved for it. It will only make us closer.

Thank you God for allowing me to know and understand, It is not what goes in my body that defiles me but what comes out of my mouth that does.

I crossed that forbidden line and found it was not sin, and became God’s child.

[Author]

Posts